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Caring For Yourself
while You Care for One You Love Eugenia Gamble
Caring for a loved one who is suffering or failing is as shattering an experience as human beings can endure. All of our instincts lead us to want to fix and protect those we love from any kind of pain even though we know that we cannot. For people of faith, we even know, on some level, that we should not. Each person's life is his or her own and each ultimately makes that journey with and to the Lord.
Coming to terms with the way things are, and knowing that living and dying are in God's hands and a part of the created order of things, doesn't help much in the midst of the dailiness of care giving. Care giving triggers intense and conflicting emotions; pain, grief, despair, hope, heightened senses, unexpected hilarity, nostalgia, disorientation, resentment, tenderness and on and on and on.
Many care givers experience deep feelings of guilt for being unable to provide the kind of care they feel is expected. Others feel guilty for feeling irritable or resentful of the changes and challenges to their own lives. Some people find themselves isolated from activities and relationships that once meant so much to them. Others, if they find themselves geographically removed from the loved person, feel torn between the responsibilities of their own lives and the desire to be present with the one who is far away.
Here are just a few tips for caring for yourself as you care for one you love.
Speak gently to yourself!
Remind yourself daily that you have a right to your own life, to have your own needs met and to have a break from the constant giving of care. Ask God specifically to help you with any feelings of guilt or helplessness you may have.
Recognize your limits as real and God given.
You can not fix the situation for your loved one. You are not God. You are a creature of God, beloved of God and fashioned by God, just as your loved one is. It is not your job to do what only God can do. Neither is it your job to wear yourself out, lose perspective and make yourself ill in order to provide care.
Find support.
Search out trusted friends who will not judge or criticize you to help you hold your emotions and with whom you can share all of your ambivalent feelings. Take a careful look at your finances and seek out paid persons in your community, if you are able, to help you with the practical aspects of care giving. If you don't know where to start, ask your family doctor, a hospital social worker, your pastor or call your local hospice for advice. Do not try to do everything alone. Isolation is a terrible burden. Encouraging Words website will try to provide you with help and encouragement for your daily living. Check often for new articles, Bible studies and prayers.
Try to eat well.
This can be a challenge if the one for whom you care no longer cares about eating or cannot eat the foods you are accustomed to preparing. Be sure, regardless, to include plenty of fruits and vegetables in your diet. Lean meats and lots of water will help, too. While it can really be a temptation to eat tons of comfort food or just what is easiest, good food will strengthen your body and give you more energy to live your life. Don't, however, use this as a time to try to lose weight per se (unless, of course, your weight is at the health problem stage). It will only add more stress and give you more opportunities to feel bad about yourself. From time to time a food treat of your favorite things can be a real comfort. Just remember balance is important in all things.
Move!
Even if you can only stand up and walk in place during television commercials, keeping your body moving will help with energy level as well as the ability to cope with stress and painful emotions. If at all possible, aim to move intentionally for 20 minutes every day. There are lots of websites that give simple exercise routines that you can follow in your home with little or no equipment and at any fitness level. Oprah.com and sparkpeople.com are two free sites to try.
Consider writing in a journal.
Taking a few moments each day to record your feelings and/or to pray in a spiritual journal can make a big difference in your sense of well being. Once, in a time of personal crisis, a friend called while I was writing in my journal. "What are you doing," she asked. "I'm writing myself sane," I responded and it was true. Go to the journal-memoir page of this site for tips for keeping a journal.
Practice breath prayer.
Breath prayer is an ancient prayer form that consists of repeating a word or short phrase over and over again with one's breathing. For example, a breath prayer could be something as simple as "Savoir, help" or "Give me peace" or "Light, come!" Take a moment to quiet your mind (you can even do this in the bath tub if that is the only alone time you have).
Choose one word with which you want to address God (Savior, Lord, Light, Love, Father, Spirit, etc.) then ask yourself what your deepest longing might be. Take that longing with the address of God and that will be your prayer. Repeat it all day long, whenever it comes to mind. You will find that the Spirit will bring your prayer to your mind often. After a while, even your own breathing will become a prayer. This is a lovely way to pray with the one for whom you care if that one is able.
Choose one word with which you want to address God (Savior, Lord, Light, Love, Father, Spirit, etc.) then ask yourself what your deepest longing might be. Take that longing with the address of God and that will be your prayer. Repeat it all day long, whenever it comes to mind. You will find that the Spirit will bring your prayer to your mind often. After a while, even your own breathing will become a prayer. This is a lovely way to pray with the one for whom you care if that one is able.
Grieve the little losses and face the hard emotions.
No matter what happens, things will never be the way they were. Loss is a part of every life and suppressed grief often leads to depression, anxiety or addictions. Miriam Greenspan in her book. Healing through the Dark Emotions, puts it this way ".....aborted grief, fear, and despair are at the root of the characteristic psychological disorders of our time -- depression, anxiety, addiction, irrational violence, and psychic numbing." (p. xiii). Sometimes we fear facing and experiencing emotions that we think of as negative. We are afraid that if we really let ourselves feel the full extent of our pain, frustration or resentment that we will become lost in it, that it will grow and utterly consume us. In reality the opposite is true, if we do not allow ourselves to face the hurt, it will indeed grow up in some way and consume us.
All emotions are just emotions. They are a God given part of human nature. Each emotion comes to us with a gift of grace if we can face it head on. Try for one week not apologizing to anyone for your tears or your irritability. Just tell them that you are hurting or that you are frustrated and ask for their patience and understanding. Of course, if you lash out at someone inappropriately, it is always important to say you are sorry. There is no need, however, to apologize for having real feelings in the midst of real hardship. Simply look at your situation and allow the healing grace of God to meet you in your real truth. Of course, you can choose the time and place that you want to express your emotions. It is just that 'never' and 'nowhere' are really poor choices.
No matter what happens, things will never be the way they were. Loss is a part of every life and suppressed grief often leads to depression, anxiety or addictions. Miriam Greenspan in her book. Healing through the Dark Emotions, puts it this way ".....aborted grief, fear, and despair are at the root of the characteristic psychological disorders of our time -- depression, anxiety, addiction, irrational violence, and psychic numbing." (p. xiii). Sometimes we fear facing and experiencing emotions that we think of as negative. We are afraid that if we really let ourselves feel the full extent of our pain, frustration or resentment that we will become lost in it, that it will grow and utterly consume us. In reality the opposite is true, if we do not allow ourselves to face the hurt, it will indeed grow up in some way and consume us.
All emotions are just emotions. They are a God given part of human nature. Each emotion comes to us with a gift of grace if we can face it head on. Try for one week not apologizing to anyone for your tears or your irritability. Just tell them that you are hurting or that you are frustrated and ask for their patience and understanding. Of course, if you lash out at someone inappropriately, it is always important to say you are sorry. There is no need, however, to apologize for having real feelings in the midst of real hardship. Simply look at your situation and allow the healing grace of God to meet you in your real truth. Of course, you can choose the time and place that you want to express your emotions. It is just that 'never' and 'nowhere' are really poor choices.
Keep learning.
Whether it is a craft, a language, articles about the world, medical information, politics, Bible study or theology, make it a practice to stretch your mind a little bit everyday. There is no expiration date on being a good student. Learn all you can about the world around you and inside you. Learning will keep you alive and growing. Paul puts it this way, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Many public libraries have lots of books on tape that you can borrow. There are also large print editions of books in many genres. Maybe you and your loved one could listen to one together. If that is not possible, you can listen while you prepare a meal or get ready for bed. Just a few minutes of intellectual stimulation will pay off in positive thoughts and feelings. Check out our library page for a few books and dvds that we have enjoyed.
Whether it is a craft, a language, articles about the world, medical information, politics, Bible study or theology, make it a practice to stretch your mind a little bit everyday. There is no expiration date on being a good student. Learn all you can about the world around you and inside you. Learning will keep you alive and growing. Paul puts it this way, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Many public libraries have lots of books on tape that you can borrow. There are also large print editions of books in many genres. Maybe you and your loved one could listen to one together. If that is not possible, you can listen while you prepare a meal or get ready for bed. Just a few minutes of intellectual stimulation will pay off in positive thoughts and feelings. Check out our library page for a few books and dvds that we have enjoyed.
Laugh as much as possible!
It is okay to laugh even when the situation is impossible and impossibly sad. Laughter is a natural healer. Remember when Sarah laughed at the thought of having a child in old age? I think that her very laughter softened her up for God to do something brand new and creative in and through her. Laughter softens us up and makes us more usable creatures. It also makes us feel better, even if just for a moment. That is grace enough.
If you have other tips that you would like to share with our readers, e-mail them to us and we will share them if we can.
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